What Is Self-Esteem?
Quick Answer
Self-esteem is how you feel about yourself overall -- whether you think you are a good, capable, and likable person. It is not about being perfect or thinking you are better than everyone. Healthy self-esteem means you know your worth, accept your flaws, and believe you deserve good things in life.
Explaining By Age Group
Ages 3-5 Simple Explanation
You know how sometimes you say, 'I can do it!' when you try something? That happy feeling about yourself is called self-esteem. It means you think you are a good person who can do things.
It's like looking in a mirror and smiling because you like who you see. Not just how you look, but who you ARE -- a kind, fun, special person. That good feeling about yourself is self-esteem.
Sometimes you might feel not so good about yourself. Maybe you could not do something that another kid could. That is okay. It does not mean you are not great. Everybody is good at different things.
The people who love you -- your family and friends -- they help you feel good about yourself by telling you nice things and helping you try new stuff. And every time you try something and do your best, your good feelings about yourself get stronger!
Ages 6-8 More Detail
Self-esteem is the way you feel about yourself deep down inside. It is like a report card that you give yourself -- not about grades, but about who you are as a person. Do you think you are likable? Do you believe you can do hard things? Do you feel like you matter? Those answers make up your self-esteem.
When you have good self-esteem, you feel pretty good about who you are most of the time. You know you are not perfect, but that is okay. You are still proud of yourself and believe good things can happen to you. You are willing to try new things even if you might fail.
When self-esteem is low, you might feel like you are not good enough, not smart enough, or not as cool as other kids. You might be afraid to try things because you think you will mess up. Everyone feels this way sometimes, but if those feelings stick around a lot, that is something to pay attention to.
Self-esteem is not about thinking you are the best at everything. That is actually something different. Healthy self-esteem is quiet -- it is just a steady feeling that you are a good person who deserves good things, even when life is hard.
Your self-esteem is built by the things that happen to you and around you. When people treat you kindly and believe in you, your self-esteem goes up. When you try hard and succeed at something, it goes up too. But when people are mean or you fail a lot without support, it can go down.
The cool thing is you can work on your self-esteem. Pay attention to the things you are good at. Be kind to yourself when you mess up, just like you would be kind to a friend. Surround yourself with people who make you feel good, not people who put you down.
Ages 9-12 Full Explanation
Self-esteem is basically the opinion you hold about yourself. It is the answer to the question: 'When I really think about who I am, do I like what I see?' This is not about your looks or your grades -- it is about your overall sense of whether you are a worthwhile, capable person.
Healthy self-esteem does not mean thinking you are amazing at everything. It means you know your strengths AND your weaknesses, and you are okay with both. A person with healthy self-esteem can fail a test and think, 'That stinks, I need to study more,' instead of, 'I am stupid and nothing will ever work out for me.' They can handle criticism without falling apart because their sense of self is solid, not fragile.
Low self-esteem is when that inner voice is mostly negative. It says things like 'You are not good enough,' 'Nobody really likes you,' or 'Why bother trying -- you will just fail.' Here is the thing about that voice: it lies. It takes your worst moments and your biggest fears and presents them as facts. They are not facts. They are just feelings, and feelings can be changed.
Self-esteem gets shaped by a lot of things throughout your life. How your family treats you, how your friends act toward you, whether you succeed or fail at things you try, and -- increasingly for your age group -- social media. Scrolling through posts of people showing only their best moments can wreck your self-esteem if you start comparing their highlight reel to your everyday reality. Remember: nobody posts their bad days.
Building stronger self-esteem is a real, doable thing. It starts with how you talk to yourself. If you would not say something to your best friend, do not say it to yourself. It also helps to set small goals and achieve them -- every time you follow through on something, you prove to yourself that you are capable. Spend time with people who lift you up, not people who tear you down. And find things you genuinely enjoy doing, not things you do just to impress others.
One last thing: your value as a person is not determined by your grades, your followers, your looks, or how many friends you have. You matter because you exist. Full stop. Building self-esteem is about remembering that truth even when the world tries to make you forget it.
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Tips for Parents
Self-esteem can be a challenging topic to discuss with your child. Here are some practical tips to help guide the conversation:
DO: Follow your child's lead. Let them ask questions at their own pace rather than overwhelming them with information they haven't asked for yet. If they seem satisfied with a simple answer, that's okay — they'll come back with more questions when they're ready.
DO: Use honest, age-appropriate language. You don't need to share every detail, but avoid making up stories or deflecting. Kids can sense when you're being evasive, and honesty builds trust.
DO: Validate their feelings. Whatever emotion your child has in response to learning about self-esteem, acknowledge it. Say things like 'It makes sense that you'd feel that way' or 'That's a really good question.'
DON'T: Don't dismiss their curiosity. Responses like 'You're too young for that' or 'Don't worry about it' can make children feel like their questions are wrong or shameful. If you're not ready to answer, say 'That's an important question. Let me think about the best way to explain it, and we'll talk about it tonight.'
DO: Create an ongoing dialogue. One conversation usually isn't enough. Let your child know that they can always come back to you with more questions about self-esteem. This makes them more likely to come to you rather than seeking potentially unreliable sources.
Common Follow-Up Questions Kids Ask
After discussing self-esteem, your child might also ask:
How do I know if I have low self-esteem?
If you often feel not good enough, avoid trying new things because you fear failure, or constantly compare yourself negatively to others, those are signs of low self-esteem. Talking to a trusted adult can help.
Can self-esteem change?
Yes. Self-esteem goes up and down throughout life based on experiences. The good news is you can actively build it through positive self-talk, setting goals, and surrounding yourself with supportive people.
Is high self-esteem the same as being full of yourself?
No. Healthy self-esteem is quiet confidence -- knowing you are a good person without needing to brag. Being full of yourself is putting others down to feel bigger, which is actually a sign of insecurity.
Does social media affect self-esteem?
It can. Comparing yourself to edited, filtered posts can make you feel like you are not enough. Remember that people only post their best moments, not their real everyday life.
How can I help a friend with low self-esteem?
Be genuine with your compliments, include them in activities, listen when they talk, and remind them of their strengths. Sometimes just being a steady, kind friend makes a big difference.
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